John J. Rambo (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
theydrewfirstblood) wrote2023-06-30 01:28 pm
theydrewfirstblood) wrote2023-06-30 01:28 pm
The Dream Journal Of John J. Rambo
He goes by Captain Jack Harkness, and I love him.
Jack's an unremarkable man in terms of looks, and I don't mean that as a slight. He's beautiful, too beautiful. Matinee idol good looks: dark hair, blue eyes, chiseled jaw complete with cleft chin. Body of a real soldier, not a machine like me. Average size, but pleasantly broad in the shoulders--muscular but soft, solid as a rock but no sharp edges. There's things I can do that he can't, but he didn't need to learn to ignore pain because he's old fashioned kinds of tough: he's built to take a punch and get back up again.
He's too perfect to be real. Remembering back, I know I saw him out of the corner of my eye earlier in the day--it was the coat. The coat made a bigger impression, because looking at men without worrying was still new to me. I saw him like anyone else, and...he was nothing special. Jack Harkness is a million dollars: very real, very desirable, incredible to see, but to any person on the street? He's too much to get your head around, he doesn't feel real. He's nothing you can understand, nothing you'll ever have access to.
Then he approached me. He approached me. Didn't ask to join me, he asked to sit with me. I was in a bad place, he saw it...and gradually, as we talked, I actually got a good look at him.
That's the first thing you need to remember about Jack, or you'll miss him. He wears masks, and they're all plastered with the same smile. They're each and every one of them factory made in all the worst parts of his mind where he thinks he has to wear them. He has one smile he doesn't show anyone else. Just you. When you see it, things will be okay.
That's what I mean when I say I got a good look at him. Not at his face, not really. Into his eyes, maybe: I got a look under the masks. I saw him.
Jack's a commander, that's why he's more human than machine. I mean it in the truest sense of the word, because a true commander was once a soldier and Jack is a fighting man to the core. He'll scrap, he'll bleed, he'll smile if you hit him and expect you to smile back when he returns fire. He'll readily serve on the front lines, but commanders always stay a step back. Still, he carries the weight of his men. Every life, every injury, every name, he keeps them and looks after them. He's lost, he's fought, he's bled, and when he sends a man into battle he does it with the full knowledge of what it means to them and what will be lost if their life ends in the fight.
The thing about Jack, though, is he believes his own hype. His looks, he knows he's attractive and he exploits it. He also thinks that's all he has to offer--he literally propositioned me during our first meeting. In a really sweet way, offered sex almost like therapy because he thought that was all he had. To be fair, though, I also kissed him at the same time--but I turned down the offer of sex. Not sure if that shocked him or not.
When we talked, I told him everything in that first conversation. And I mean everything that happened in Hope. Told him things I didn't even mention in my court martial because I knew they didn't matter. They mattered to him.
Jack listened, and he offered to keep on listening.
That's who he is. You might think a good looking man like that, too good to be real, might be hiding something horrible underneath. I started calling him 'Angel' as a pet name, as a joke because he can't die.
That's another thing, by the way: research quantum mechanics, maybe? Jack's a fixed point in time, he can't die.
Anyway, the pet name was a gag, but it's actually true. Jack is every bit an angel, my guardian angel, and that's why you have to find him. That's why you love him.
He's not perfect, not by any stretch of the imagination. He's not pure, he's not innocent. I don't put him up on a pedestal, he doesn't need one. He's broken and he's flawed and he's kind of a bastard sometimes--but he is a good man. The best I've ever known...and like all good, flawed men, he's strong. He can withstand anything.
You have to find him because you have to protect him. He's strong, he can withstand anything--and he will withstand anything. He'll go until he breaks, until he's ruined, until those sharp edges of his broken pieces are worn smooth and he stops being careful with them--stops using them as weapons against the dark and gives them away so he forgets he was fighting for something.
The most important thing you have to remember is Jack Harkness--because you have to save him. Everything you learn here, everything you do going forward, has to be about finding him, getting to him safely, and protecting him no matter what it costs you.
The most important thing you have to remember is that you love him, because once you're together again, you'll hopefully have found a way to stay with him--and he's going to end up hating you for it.
Jack's an unremarkable man in terms of looks, and I don't mean that as a slight. He's beautiful, too beautiful. Matinee idol good looks: dark hair, blue eyes, chiseled jaw complete with cleft chin. Body of a real soldier, not a machine like me. Average size, but pleasantly broad in the shoulders--muscular but soft, solid as a rock but no sharp edges. There's things I can do that he can't, but he didn't need to learn to ignore pain because he's old fashioned kinds of tough: he's built to take a punch and get back up again.
He's too perfect to be real. Remembering back, I know I saw him out of the corner of my eye earlier in the day--it was the coat. The coat made a bigger impression, because looking at men without worrying was still new to me. I saw him like anyone else, and...he was nothing special. Jack Harkness is a million dollars: very real, very desirable, incredible to see, but to any person on the street? He's too much to get your head around, he doesn't feel real. He's nothing you can understand, nothing you'll ever have access to.
Then he approached me. He approached me. Didn't ask to join me, he asked to sit with me. I was in a bad place, he saw it...and gradually, as we talked, I actually got a good look at him.
That's the first thing you need to remember about Jack, or you'll miss him. He wears masks, and they're all plastered with the same smile. They're each and every one of them factory made in all the worst parts of his mind where he thinks he has to wear them. He has one smile he doesn't show anyone else. Just you. When you see it, things will be okay.
That's what I mean when I say I got a good look at him. Not at his face, not really. Into his eyes, maybe: I got a look under the masks. I saw him.
Jack's a commander, that's why he's more human than machine. I mean it in the truest sense of the word, because a true commander was once a soldier and Jack is a fighting man to the core. He'll scrap, he'll bleed, he'll smile if you hit him and expect you to smile back when he returns fire. He'll readily serve on the front lines, but commanders always stay a step back. Still, he carries the weight of his men. Every life, every injury, every name, he keeps them and looks after them. He's lost, he's fought, he's bled, and when he sends a man into battle he does it with the full knowledge of what it means to them and what will be lost if their life ends in the fight.
The thing about Jack, though, is he believes his own hype. His looks, he knows he's attractive and he exploits it. He also thinks that's all he has to offer--he literally propositioned me during our first meeting. In a really sweet way, offered sex almost like therapy because he thought that was all he had. To be fair, though, I also kissed him at the same time--but I turned down the offer of sex. Not sure if that shocked him or not.
When we talked, I told him everything in that first conversation. And I mean everything that happened in Hope. Told him things I didn't even mention in my court martial because I knew they didn't matter. They mattered to him.
Jack listened, and he offered to keep on listening.
That's who he is. You might think a good looking man like that, too good to be real, might be hiding something horrible underneath. I started calling him 'Angel' as a pet name, as a joke because he can't die.
That's another thing, by the way: research quantum mechanics, maybe? Jack's a fixed point in time, he can't die.
Anyway, the pet name was a gag, but it's actually true. Jack is every bit an angel, my guardian angel, and that's why you have to find him. That's why you love him.
He's not perfect, not by any stretch of the imagination. He's not pure, he's not innocent. I don't put him up on a pedestal, he doesn't need one. He's broken and he's flawed and he's kind of a bastard sometimes--but he is a good man. The best I've ever known...and like all good, flawed men, he's strong. He can withstand anything.
You have to find him because you have to protect him. He's strong, he can withstand anything--and he will withstand anything. He'll go until he breaks, until he's ruined, until those sharp edges of his broken pieces are worn smooth and he stops being careful with them--stops using them as weapons against the dark and gives them away so he forgets he was fighting for something.
The most important thing you have to remember is Jack Harkness--because you have to save him. Everything you learn here, everything you do going forward, has to be about finding him, getting to him safely, and protecting him no matter what it costs you.
The most important thing you have to remember is that you love him, because once you're together again, you'll hopefully have found a way to stay with him--and he's going to end up hating you for it.